Expectations
by DensiLand
Summary: The Densi dinner scene and that evening from "Recovery" (5x9). A minority opinion of what happened that night (after the episode).
1. Chapter 1

**Expectations – The Densi dinner scene and that evening from "Recovery" (5x9). A minority opinion of what happened that night (after the episode).**

_Author's note: This is my first (& likely only) FF, so please be kind. To be true to the characters and the show, I personally refuse to believe the writers would have Densi jump to the ultimate act of physical intimacy at this stage of their fragile 'ship. Since not shown on-screen, my mind was forced to create a feasible scene that fit between "Recovery" (5x9) and "The Frozen Lake" (5x10)._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing associated with NCIS:LA (other than one famous v-neck t-shirt...)_

* * *

**Kensi POV**

_This is not tacos. _

_This isn't anything close to tacos. What is he doing?!_

Kensi , the planner, the one who needs to be in control, is anything but. The crisp linens, fine china, and sophisticated Muzak have her on edge. This isn't her, and this certainly isn't them grabbing dinner. Most of all, this isn't Deeks, sitting motionless in a fresh button down.

She feels like she's on an Op, not knowing what's coming next, working to calm her heart rate and focus her thoughts. But it's not working; her nerves are raw. She's accustomed to taking solace in her training and weapons, but none of that exists here. She grasps to find some solid footing, to figure out what they're doing here, but she can't maintain her composure. Her "fight or flight" response kicks in; her walls are reinforced; and haphazardly the verbal ammunition starts flying. She reverts back to the same attacks and questions that are now months old in their repetition – he's avoiding the point; he's yet again not saying what he means.

* * *

**Deeks POV**

_What have I done? I tried to charm her, but that's never worked. Not really. Why did I think it would work now? I tried to trick her (& maybe myself), but this is Kensi. Bad Ass Blye. Kick Ass Kensi. A highly-trained federal agent. There was no way this was ever going to work, but as usual, I didn't really think it through. I want to treat her to what she deserves. The problem is she doesn't think she deserves this. Sigh. This just isn't us. Why didn't I use the excuse that I still owed her that dinner at Crustacean? _He feels ready to give up. _Because I'm sick of the excuses. I don't want this to be the result of a bet or under the guise of a cover. I've been through too much to pretend anymore. _

He sees the anger (because people don't get mad, dogs do) in her eyes. _It's anger, right? Or is it something else? _He can't determine what it is exactly, because all he sees is her mouth moving and hears only a buzzing sound in his mind. He doesn't need to hear the words. Again. He knows. The accusations. It's the same thing all over again. _What more does she want?! I always have her back. Ok, so maybe I initially struggled with the words, but I was sure she could read what I was thinking, feeling in the way I looked at her. Maybe she's not as highly-trained as I give her credit for. _

_But then I did it; I kissed her! _The internal pride he has vanishes in an instant as he drops his view back to the empty table. _Yeh, that was another abrupt action. Deeks, when are you gonna get your act together?! Such a hasty overtly romantic gesture is never going to work on a woman like Kensi. She reacts to surprises like a puppy to fireworks. Look what happened after that kiss. She sped off. Smooth Deeks; real smooth. Then all hell broke loose. That seems like forever ago. _

_Then I tried to tell her how much she meant to me, that she was the only thing that got me through the worst experience of my life. Yet somehow that just ended up hurting her. How do I make such a mess of this?_ He can't take it anymore. He blurts out the only thing he's thinking about in that moment, a moment that's yet again turned disastrous: "I don't wanna be here with you right now."

She looks up perplexed and can seem to barely utter, "What?" _Well, that seemed to get her attention. _There are barely any cards left for him to play. After all they've been through, he might as well just say exactly what he's thinking. He expresses himself simply while pouring every bit of what he's feeling into those words: "I want to be at my place right now. With you."

* * *

**Kensi POV**

_What… did he just really say…? He must have because he's piercing the most serious look into my soul that I… _She can barely catch her breath after that confession. She'd been ranting on and on and hadn't realized the impact it was having on him. _He did it. Clearly he means what he said. But… what do I… He's not moving. He's not looking away. _Deeks' tilts his head, silently prompting a response from her, but she's simply stunned.

She begins an internal argument. _This is it. This is the moment I'd been waiting for from him, but now I don't know what to do. Yes, I trust him, but I never imagined he'd…. This is it Blye. You've held him at arm's length for so long. But I'm still…. Will he…? What if…? _She still can't admit it to herself. The war she's having with herself comes to a sudden halt: _What more do you expect from him? _ She has no reply. Sensing stability in him she wouldn't allow herself to previously believe, she takes a nervous breath. _This is it._ She can't vocalize what she's thinking, because her thoughts are swirling with uncontrollable feelings. So the other part of her "fight or flight" response takes over, but she's not fleeing. She won't let herself cause him – or herself – anymore pain. _Maybe, just maybe…._ Not allowing herself to look back, she works to take steady steps out of the restaurant, hopefully toward something else.

* * *

**Deeks POV**

_Wha? What did I just do? Well, she didn't hit me. She didn't lash out. Actually, she didn't even look mad – angry, whatever. _He lets out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding, terrified of making even the slightest move that might break the spell they seemed to be in together. He begins an internal dialogue with himself. _Well, Deeks you did exactly what she wanted, you said what you meant. And you finally said exactly what you were thinking. You can't come back from that now; you've got to live with the consequences, whatever they may be. For better or worse, at least your days of unknowing are probably over. _His questionable pep talk to himself comes to an end. With courage he didn't know he had, he rises from his chair. _It's time to go see what fate awaits._ He can't tamp down the sliver of hope that creeps in. _Maybe… just maybe…._

He exits the restaurant, but doesn't see her anywhere. Did he read it all wrong? Did she hail a taxi to get away as far, as fast from him as she could? He glances over to his car. Kensi's sitting motionlessly in the passenger seat. _Hmm. That's certainly not what I was expecting._

He quickly slides into the driver's seat and gives a hesitant look toward her. _I mean honestly, it's Kensi, a punch wouldn't be out of character here._ But she just stares straight ahead. He tentatively mutters, "So, uh…" She offers only a couple of staccato nods, still avoiding his gaze. He starts the car and navigates toward his place.

On the way he turns into a mini-mart. She finally gives him a questioning look. He responds, "Hang on. I'll be right back." She silently complies. Within a few minutes he quickly drops a large brown paper bag in the back and they resume their journey.

Parking outside his apartment, he looks over to her again, but in an instant she's out of the car, standing on the sidewalk, just staring at his door. He grabs the bag out of the back, meets her on the sidewalk, but she seems to ignore his presence. He moves toward his apartment; she quietly follows. _This is weird. _

He opens the door and holds it open for her to enter. She gives the doorway and then him a puzzling look, as if she's not sure what to do. Luckily, she seems to read the situation and enters his apartment. She's only a couple of steps inside, so Deeks has to take some shuffling steps and contort his body a bit to move around her. She's just standing there, looking around as if she's never been at his place before.

He sets the bag on a table, but doesn't move away from her. A strand of hair has fallen in her face and he can't help himself. He looks into her eyes and reaches up with his right hand to tuck the strand behind her left ear. She appears to still be looking straight ahead, basically at his cheeks based on their height difference. As his hand barely brushes her ear, he tries to control his surprise when he feels her right hand on his left bicep. He tenses and hopes she doesn't sense it. Her touch is light, timid. So un-Kensi like. At a loss, Deeks stutters, "So… tacos." She finally makes eye contact, but with raised eyebrows, offers only a slightly startled look of question? Uncertain of what that means, Deeks steps back, retrieves the bag and heads toward the kitchen.


	2. Chapter 2

**Kensi POV**

_What's happening? How did I get here?_ Her thoughts had gone from a swirling whirlwind to a vast desert of emptiness. She felt almost as if she was in a trance. _But this is where she's supposed to be, right?_ _Yes. He deserves for me to finally give him what he wants. But what is that really? _Suddenly the weight of the world felt as though it landed on her shoulders. Alone with her thoughts, she finally has to face it. _I'm so scared._

Then she begins to panic. Her breath is almost to the point of hyperventilating, but she's got to maintain control. She can't have him hearing or seeing her freak out. _He has to know I'm afraid of losing my partner. He knows about Dom; he was there through the case of my dad. He even knows the basics of Jack. Ugh. My track record with men is a disaster! It's bad enough he knows about all that; I'm just thankful he never brings it up. But it's so much more than that. _

_While I might be a good agent and partner (I think), the rest of my life is a wreck. My relationship with my mom is still just finding its footing. I'm constantly busting my tail to keep up with the guys at work. I can't cook; I don't have the time or interest in keeping my house picked up. When I do go out I never know if guys are hitting on me just because of what I look like or who they think I am. What is wrong with me? All these silly female insecurities; I've never struggled with any of these before. Pull yourself together Blye!_

_But ugh. This is… Marty. Yes, I actually do know his name. He's had so much hurt and bad breaks in his own life, I can't just pile on to that. Something's going to happen and it's going to go wrong. We'll fight or I'll say something wrong or, or… I'm going to disappoint him. He thinks I'm this tough-as-nails chick, but that's just a façade I've had to create for the job. I'm a wreck. I can't deal with my own feelings or emotions and that's what he wants, what he's asking of me. But how do I be what he wants when I don't know what that is and I'm sure whatever it is I can't live up to. To get into a… (gulp) relationship with him means I have to let him see the real me. A me I don't even know and one that's certainly far different than the one he surely imagines. What does he expect from me?_

She realizes she's been pacing around his living room, looking for anything that might bring her back to reality. (Luckily, it's far tidier than the last time she was here.) She stops and takes a cleansing breath. _ I have to overcome all of this somehow. I need to try, for him. Yes, this is for him. I have to set my own self-doubts aside. I take on undercover roles all the time, I just have to apply a bit of those skills here. Right? _Encouraging herself, she stands tall and firm in her boots. _Right!_

While it's felt like hours, it's been but only a couple of minutes during her self-imposed anxiety attack. Deeks hollers from the kitchen, "You want a drink? Everything's in the fridge." _Yes, please. I desperately need a beverage! _

Luckily, Deeks' back is turned as she quickly moves to yank open the refrigerator door. Her hand clutches a beer like it's her lifeline when something catches her eye. Taking a step closer, she tilts her head to get a clear view around the variety of juices and green teas her hippy-dippy partner likes to taunt her with to spy… OMG. In a clear, tightly sealed container it hides in the back corner, daring her to acknowledge its presence: The cronut.

A heavy gasp escapes her involuntarily. This catches Deeks' attention, who turns, "Kens? Everything ok?" She emphatically nods her head and virtually sprints out of the kitchen. He looks to where his very strange-acting partner just dashed away from, unable to mask his bewilderment. Deciding to keep to the task at hand, he turns back to the nearly done tacos.

Kensi lands on the couch with a thud. She can't get the beer cap off fast enough as she chugs nearly half the bottle. _The cronut. He kept it. What does that mean?! Girl, you know what that means! This man took an old, stale pastry that could no longer be consumed, carefully stored it in an appropriate container, and put it in a safe place. _The tears. She couldn't stop the tears that involuntarily began to fall.

She could barely breathe as that night came crashing back to her. He'd been joking that he'd probably still eat it. _Yeh, he is that weird._ The pastry baby line. _How does he come up with that stuff? I have to admit it's probably the funniest thing he's ever said._ _Yeh, I was initially annoyed he'd fallen asleep on me, but everyone had told me he hadn't been sleeping so it was probably for the best. _

_But that last thing he muttered, "It's a love story." That had made no sense; they were watching a horror movie. _She hadn't understood it then, but it was crushing her in this moment. _He was talking about me, about us._ _How had I denied it for so long? How had I kept him waiting for so long? Why? Why had I kept him waiting? _

There entire partnership sped before her eyes: Jason/Tracy, Justin/Melissa, all the covers, the room full of lasers, being held by Stan King, learning about him through Ray, that painful day she thought he'd been fired, being there for her while tracking her father's killer, the questions Sabatino planted in her head, her jealousy over Nicole & Monica, and –with a tight gulp of the final shot of her beer – the torture. How he'd come through that (not that she believed he was fully "cured"), she'd never know. (She kept barring from her mind his admission that it was the thought of her that had been his saving grace.)

Yet, that horrible memory would forever be joined by a far different one – the kiss. She hadn't known where that unexpected act had come from, but she's never forgotten the look on his face. It was a look of sincerity, a depth of emotion she didn't think he had. She could deny it no longer, it could only be described as a look of love. _Love. How and why would she deny herself this? Isn't this what she had truly longed for? _Yet, there were lingering fears….

Before she could get a handle on her realization, Deeks' voice interrupted her train of thought, "Taco time!" She nearly gave herself whiplash as she looked up with a vacant expression and almost unseeing eyes. Deeks stood next to the set table simply waiting for her to join him. _Waiting. That's what he's been doing for so long. Can I finally take the step that he wants? _That she had to admit, she wanted too?

* * *

**Deeks POV**

The whimsical smile quickly faded from his face. _What's wrong with Kensi? She looks stunned. And is she struggling to catch her breath? What on earth happened out here? How many times am I going to have this heart-wrenching reaction to her? Ugh, every time I think she's in trouble, in danger, upset… Yeh, that list could go on forever. _One thing he'd quickly learned was to not startle her, to not hover, to actually not show too much concern._ Yeh, right. Just another example of you lying to yourself - & her, pal._

"Uh, Kensalina, you ok?"

She physically shakes her head back to reality. As if now really seeing him, she tries to hide a shy grin as she moves to the dining table. They both reach for her chair, but he quickly backs off. It's times like this he's so grateful for Monty, who was away on a "play date". _(Only in L.A.) _Who would have thought he'd learn transferrable skills from a PTSD-dog? Key lesson: Don't startle someone with PTSD. Monty had it. Deeks had it. And let's be honest, take your pick of the experiences that would have scarred Kensi with it. _Weren't they a screwed-up bunch._

As they began their meal in silence, an awkward tension consumed the room. While making the simple dish, Deeks had relented in handling the evening like others in the past: mostly unhealthy food, beer, and a movie. After the bizarre start to their evening, he was hoping just to avoid Kensi running out the door. He had her there and that seemed to be the most he could hope for. Seemingly ever. At least at this rate. He'd put his heart on the table at the restaurant. While the night wasn't progressing as he'd imagined, not that he'd really planned out anything besides the fine dining, he counted himself blessed they weren't arguing about unspoken issues. Again.

He rose to turn the stereo to some smooth jazz. As he returned to the table he noticed Kensi 's look dart around the room for a moment, but it simply and silently returned to her plate. He paused by the table. "Uh, is everything ok?"

Kensi looked up at him startled and slowly queried, "Wha, what are you talking about?"

Deeks tapped the top of the fresh beer that he'd placed near her plate. "You haven't touched your beer."

Her voice, rising in an unnatural way, "Oh! No. No, I uh… Can I maybe just have some water?"

Deeks had absolutely no idea what alternate universe he'd fallen into, but knew he just had to go with it. "Alllright."

He returned the beer to the fridge to swap it for a freshly iced glass of water. Deeks wasn't even trying to make sense of this. In the back of his mind he did hope she hadn't noticed he too had avoided beer. Instead he'd selected a glass of juice; Deeks wasn't even sure what flavor he'd grabbed. All he knew was that his mouth had already gotten out of control earlier at the restaurant and he wasn't going to give it any more reason to add fuel to the fire.

Having finished their tacos, Kensi started to take her plate to the kitchen, but Deeks stopped her. "I got this." She again nodded slowly even though she kept her gaze firmly on her hands that were now grasping each other in her lap.

Scurrying around the kitchen while trying to be quite, his mind was berating him._ This is taking too long; she's going to get suspicious._ He glanced to the dining table, where she sat studying the grain of the wood. _This needs to be right._ And finally, it was. Deeks returned to the table with a single bowl in his hands, which he sat before her. And waited._ Story of his life._ Her look to the bowl spontaneously had her mouth gaping.

Astonished, yet whispering, she posed, "What's this?"

Suddenly he was nervous. He knew he had no reason to be. It wasn't about what was in the bowl; it was what she was asking him. But maybe, just maybe he'd finally learned. She just wanted him to say what he meant. He can only hope that brief stop at the mini-mart was worth it. So he confidently responded, "Something I hope you like?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Kensi POV**

In the bowl was a sundae. But not just an ordinary sundae. It looked like he's taken the time to gently mix a bit of chocolate ice cream into vanilla, such that… She couldn't stifle a light chuckle. If vanilla could have a tan, this was it! Hot fudge surrounded the ice cream to represent… hair? Various berry-colored sprinkles formed a smile. But the part that had her unable to contain her smile were the chocolate chips. Amazingly her smile didn't stem from the simple fact there were chocolate chips, which on an ordinary day would have had that impact. No. It was the fact the left chocolate chip "eye" was milk chocolate, while the right was a slightly larger dark chocolate chip. It was her. He'd replicated her almost painstakingly perfectly in an ice cream sundae.

_This man._ _How had I questioned him for so long?_ While she couldn't escape those persistent worries, a larger part of her felt like a 14 year old girl. Not the 14 year old she was in racing ATVs across open fields or arranging her sockets and wrenches by size. No, she was picturing the socially acceptable version of a 14 year old girl in a flouncy pink outfit giggling about a cute boy with her girlfriends at the mall.

After moments of just staring at it, doing everything in her power to keep a forming tear at bay _(what was the deal with her and tears today?!)_, she looked up at his expectant face. _Expectation._ She blinked at that thought and worked to push it aside. Finally, she gifted to him, "It's amazing."

* * *

**Deeks POV**

Two little words that meant the world to him. _Yet why does she look… forlorn, even with a grin on her face?_ As he turned toward the entertainment center, he could swear he heard her whisper, "You're amazing." He halted his steps, but didn't dare question fate as to the factual or imagined state of those words.

He knelt down to the DVD collection, looked back to her, and asked, "Movie?" She simply nodded her head as her eyes closed to relish her sweet treat. He looked back to the DVDs. This time there was no question as to what he heard, something he'd heard so many times. It was a unique combination of sigh and whimper. To him, it was like a cat purring. Kensi was enjoying her sundae in a way that, to most, would be socially unacceptable! He veiled a chuckle.

Now to the task at hand. While the sundae had calmed the "werid Kensi" of earlier, in all likelihood it was a temporary reprieve. He still needed to approach the remainder of the evening with caution.

_Rom-Com? Absolutely not. Too much probability of it triggering their earlier inexplicable and unpleasant exchanges. Horror? No way. The evening as a whole had his stomach in a queasy state. Of course maybe it was the combination of tacos and juice. Yeh, he hadn't thought that through. Hmm. This seems to be a reoccurring situation for me. Note to self: think things through more. Ugh, that sounds boring and would feel like work. But if it keeps me on Kensi's good side…? Yes. Definitely need to make a life change. Whoa! Movie! Focus dude._

_Yep, there's only one choice. Action. We're so weird. Only we, especially Kensi, would feel comforted with guns, knives, and explosions. We have to end up together, who else would take either of us?! _He lets out a quite laugh.

"What's so funny?" Startled, Deeks loses his balance on the balls of his feet and fall backwards, now staring up at his inquisitor.

Scampering back to his media library, "Oh. Nothing."

Kensi uneasily moves to sit on the couch and asks, "So what are we watching?"

_Focus. Action. Ok. The King of the genre (as some consider)? 007? Uh, no. No way do I waste over 2 hours with Kensi comparing me to Pierce Brosnan. That hair. The accent. Just no. _Deeks might be one over-confident guy, but everyone has their faults. He's making this choice far more meaningful – and difficult – than it ever had been in the past. _Ugh. What is she expecting? What can I choose that won't make our situation worse?_ Then he sees it. _Yes. Nothing could be more fitting. _

He seizes "Mission: Impossible"._ An oldie, but a goodie. Still with the hair, but I'm way taller than Tom Cruise. Plus, he might actually be weirder than us. _With this Deeks lets out a hearty, stuttering laugh. He doesn't even have to turn around; he can immediately picture Kensi giving him that look of "You're so weird."

He starts the movie and joins Kensi on the couch. They are sitting about a foot apart, but he notices just as he plops down on the cushion, her back is ram-rod straight. Furrowing his brow, _Uh oh. _

* * *

**Kensi POV**

The famous opening theme music begins and the fuse of the explosives is lit. In that instant every bit of awkwardness and tension between Kensi and Deeks returns to the room. It feels as if the movie is igniting the Hindenburg and it's crash landing around them. _Oh gosh. Deep breaths. _

Deeks seems to be engaged in the movie, like usual. Kensi patiently waits for him to interject the expected trivia or questioning about the movie, but it never comes. _Ok, this is strange. _Kensi doesn't even try to follow the movie. After thoroughly enjoying her sundae, the sugar infusion brought her earlier anxiety back to the forefront of her mind.

_So he wanted to be at his place with me tonight. Check. But come on, this is all common for us; we could do this anytime. The way he said it was nowhere near common. _She vividly recalls what he said, how he said it, the way he looked at her, and mostly how it made her feel. _Definitely not common. He meant something more. Darn it Kensi! You know what he wants and as hard as it is for you to admit (why is it so hard?!) for you to admit, you want it too. _

So she does what she does best. She runs worst case scenarios _(yes, they are countless)_ of how it could go wrong in nearly every way. Her brain feels like it's being continuously injected with caffeine. While on a Rock 'N' Roller Coaster. _Stop. I'm going to either be sick, give myself a migraine, or both. I know, because I've done it before. Ok. Deeks and I are opposite in so many ways, so maybe I need to consider the opposite side of this. What if this could actually work?_

Her mind is still spinning with the possibilities, but now she can feel the endorphins taking over. And it feels nice. Really nice. She's so unaccustomed to it, but she realizes _This is what happy feels like._ Without thinking about it, she places her left hand on Deeks' right knee.

* * *

**Deeks POV**

_WHOA! What the?! DO. NOT. FREAK. OUT! Relax! Do not startle her. _Suddenly Deeks is having his own internal war, except his is with some odd melding of his current self and the 15 year old version of himself. _What…? Umm. Is she expecting me to react? Do I say something? Do I do something? Geez, Deeks! Where is the suave playa you've so easily sold yourself as? No. No, man. That's not really me. And this, this is completely different. This is Kensi. Am I dreaming? Is this actually happening? Get a grip, man! You're a trained detective, detect! Ok, ok, ok…_

_The facts. I told her exactly what I wanted and she hasn't run out the door yet. That's huge. Plus, let's be real, the ice cream helped. Ice cream always helps. The movie? Nah. That was just an effort to keep things calm and neutral. So could this be, dare I hope, her? Authentic her? Deeks, this isn't you. I know I/we (oh man, now I'm creating voices in my own head) committed to thinking things through more, but this is NOT working for you, me… Ugh. _

_Time to get back to basics. Just be you. That's all you've ever been with her (ok, so maybe I flaunt a little self-inflated ego to cover my own insecurities), ugh, STOP. You just want to be with her. Her. And here she is. Sigh. Dude, she just made a move. And it doesn't seem to be a joke. It doesn't excuse the fact she still hasn't said what she means to me. Stupid double standard. As much as I really want to put this in the "W" column, I can't. It's a step, yes. But it's not the whole ballgame. Take it for what it is and nothing more._

With that, Deeks puts his right arm behind her on the back of the couch while ever so slightly closing the gap between them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Kensi POV**

_Breathe. Ok. This is crazy. I've done tons of other stuff with guys. Girl, don't kid yourself. This is like no other situation before. This is my partner, my friend. My Deeks. Oh dear. I guess I am possessive toward him, but I still can't just come out and tell him. I can't erase all this fear in a single night. But I can show him; surely he'll get the message. Wait, he's a guy; maybe not. Plus, ugh, that horrible double standard! Grrr! _Then his face after the kiss, his face in the bullpen after the torture, his face tonight at the restaurant all flash in her mind. Each time it tells her what she needs to know. Everything she needs to know.

Somehow all that blends with the sensation of his thumb almost imperceptibly brushing slow circles on her shoulder.

With that, and before she loses her nerve, she turns to place a gentle kiss on his cheek.

She clearly surprised him based on the smallest jolt that pulls him back (even though he tries to cover it). As he grasps her shoulder Kensi senses he's about to avert his gaze from the TV to her, and her embarrassment, her nervousness takes over. The question in his eyes is going to be too much. She knows because she's seen it before. It's going to be too much.

And then it hits her, it's too much of everything she wants too. So she just goes with it. She gives up; she gives in. She claims his lips with her own and grips that same left bicep from earlier at the front door. It takes but just a few moments for Deeks to respond as he takes her in his arms and places his hands around her, caressing her back with lazy strokes.

Of all the reasons she's kept her walls up around him, she wasn't prepared for this. When he'd first joined her in the field, she found him immature and wished he get a haircut and shave. Shaggy blonde was not her thing, and scruff? Ick. Now, she just wanted more.

The questions of what he wanted were being answered as each second passed, but he wasn't pushing her; he was just expertly keeping up. Likewise she's a little surprised at herself, deepening the kiss, exploring together. She gives herself permission to do the single thing she's repeatedly dreamt about; she threads her fingers into the curls at the base of his neck.

* * *

**Deeks POV**

_I have to be dreaming. But there's no way this is a dream, because it's a million times better than any of the endless and absolutely inappropriate dreams I've had about my partner. Yet, don't be stupid man. Don't ruin this. _

As he affectionately moves to lay gentle, yet blistering hot open-mouth kisses down her neck and mumbles, "Kens", he hears that sound, that ice cream sundae sound! Nothing has ever sounded more beautiful to him. Seriously beautiful, just like everything about her. Even if she still can't tell him how she feels, for the moment, he'll take this. This mixed sigh/whimper that makes him involuntarily pull her closer to him.

He feels her fingers tremble in his hair. He hears her gasp for a stuttering breath. But this isn't heat of the moment. No, this is something else. Something's wrong.

* * *

**Kensi POV**

_This is more wonderful than I could have ever imaged, so what's wrong with me?_ _Oh no, he's pulling away…._

With gravity in his voice, the concern twists her heart, "Kensi?"

_Oh no. No, no, no. Everything I feared is crashing down around me. I did this to myself. I protected myself for years, and now, within a matter of minutes I wrecked it all. _

_Deeks has firmly grabbed my arms and is looking at me the same way he did in my mom's garage. His level of worry is palatable._ _Look what I've done to him. _

"Kensi, what's wrong?"

_What's wrong? What's wrong?! Everything! See, I was right all along, I can't. I just can't…._ _And then it got worse, that blasted look of love breaks me. My whole body is trembling and I can't stop the tears._

* * *

**Deeks POV**

_Oh no. No, no, no. I didn't think I was pushing her, but I guess I was. Deeks, how do you continually mess things up so spectacularly? Tears are kryptonite to nearly every male on the planet. But these, I probably caused these._

Deeks does the only thing he knows, the only thing he can. He gathers her onto his lap. It's a testament to how broken she is that she doesn't fight him; she effortlessly complies with his effort. He tucks her head under his chin and strokes her hair with his left hand, and rubs slow circles on her back with his right. He can only whisper soothing "Shh" in her ear. He hopes beyond hope that something, anything will calm her. It's like a knife to his heart to see her like this, and the thought he might have had any role in it simply crushes him.

After what feels like an eternity, her body-wracking sobs quiet to slow tears that Deeks focuses on wiping away. She finally looks up to him. She's wrecked, but still the most beautiful being he's ever laid eyes on. She takes a steadying breath and makes an effort to speak, but he can't let her do this to herself. This has already cost her too much. As she works to form her first word, he places a finger on her mouth and simply shakes his head.

He sees everything he needs to know in her eyes: sadness, remorse, self-loathing. It takes everything to keep his own tears concealed. She'd pushed herself to this because she believed that's what he wanted, what he expected. There was never a time more than now that he needed to say what he means.

"Kensi. Although I said what I meant tonight, apparently I didn't say enough. Yes, I wanted to be here, tonight, with you. It's all I've ever wanted. No pretense. And listen when I say this, no expectation. I would never do that to you. Do I want to know your every thought, your every feeling? Without question. But not until you're ready. Am I using every ounce of my patience in waiting for that moment that may or may not happen?" Then he softens with an overt look, "Yeh, you bet I am." He offers her a tiny smile, which she can't fight. She returns it, but quickly diverts her view out of self-blame for causing him this struggle.

"Kensi, it's no secret you're scared." She looks up at him in shock. "When it comes to touchy-feely issues, you know feelings, emotions…" He looks up at her in question. Again, she averts her gazed and he knows that she knows she's busted. "You've been hurt too many times. But here's what I know. You can trust me. You do trust me. And more than just out in the field. We both care about each other. That moment when you asked me to make the impossible promise to not get myself killed, the way you said it, that's more than partners."

"I work every day to not put you in an uncomfortable situation of making a choice about me or making a commitment or any of those usual relationship markers. It's why I didn't feel like I could actually ask you on a date. If you said no, I'd be hurt and it'd make our partnership awkward. On the other hand, you might feel pressure from the awesome state of our partnership…" He throws in a weak attempt at a wink. _Man, he's got to get Sam to teach him how to do that!_ "…to say yes, which likely results in some other form of awkwardness." I went for something different tonight and what do you know? Here we are: Awkward Land."

"So now that we're here and the world hasn't exploded, I presume, since remarkably we haven't gotten interrupting calls from Nell or Eric, there's still hope." He pauses for a moment to gauge her reaction. _Will I ever not expect her to go running out my door?_ "I'll now admit your actions tonight… if there is any possible way for you to help a guy out with your intent? I'd really appreciate it." Then adding quickly, "But it's ok if you can't. Ok?" She's just been looking at him, but as usual giving him no clues as to what she's thinking.

"So, um…" _Man this never gets easier._


	5. Chapter 5

**Kensi POV**

He's been rambling for a while now. She has to admit that alone has calmed her, and strangely, given her strength. He didn't throw her out. He didn't make demands of her. He just held her and talked. Really, should she have expected anything else from him? Now it's her turn….

She finds her voice, but is only able to utter, "Ok."

"Ok?"

She slowly nods her head. "Yes."

"Yes?" Deeks looks nearly at the end of his rope. "Kensi, I really applaud you talking, I do. I don't want to put any pressure on you, I'm just curious if you might be able to use more than a single syllable?"

She lays a gentle kiss on his lips, but very quickly he pulls away. "Whoa. No, no. Doing the same thing and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity and I was already feeling like I was halfway there before we even walked in the door."

She offers him the sweetest, shiest, grin. As she starts to speak, she can only look down to where at some point his left hand and her right are intertwined. "You're right. I'm scared. More scared than I've been in a very long time. So much can go wrong." She can't believe how her body is betraying her right now as another tear escapes and her hand quivers. Yet Deeks calmly takes their joined hands to wipe away the tear. "But I need to apply my bravery in the field to… this. All of the times you've been there for me hit me tonight. I started to see…" She looks up to him now. "…and feel what this could be. We've both been through so much and we see such horrible things, shouldn't we give ourselves a chance at being happy?" Deeks gives her a look of hope, but just as quickly tries (and fails) to hide it. "All I can say is 'Ok'. I'll try. I want to try."

She refocuses on Deeks and can only shake her head at her partner. He's smiling like the Cheshire Cat. Who just won the lottery._ Oh man. What have I gotten myself into?_

"Now listen up, buddy. Nothing changes at work. Nothing. No looks. No touching. No conversation about anything not related to work. Everything's about the case. Pure Partners. Just like Sam & Callen. If the rest of the team gets even a hint of this, not only will we never live it down, but it jeopardizes both of our careers."

Deeks looks at her confused. "But that's not how we are. That's not how we've ever been."

Kensi's found solid ground talking about work and moves off his lap, but he simply switches hands so he can keep holding hers. "Those are the rules pal. Take'em or leave'em."

She could tell him to go jump off the Hollywood sign in that moment and he'd do it. He doesn't like it, and it's going to be incredibly weird, and it's going to take every bit of strength & willpower he has, but for her… anything. Deeks sighs and almost begrudgingly agrees, "Ok."

"It's a deal." She puts out her right hand to shake on it, but his right hand is still gripping her left. It suddenly hits Kensi as to what she's just agreed to and begins to uncertainly draw back her hand when Deeks grabs it with his free left hand and places a soft kiss on her knuckles. She reacts, "You're so weird."

* * *

**Deeks POV**

By now the movie had long ago ended, leaving them in silence as they look around trying to figure out what comes next. Deeks stands. Kensi, unsure of what's going on, stutters, "Ah, yeh, I guess it's time for you to ah, yeh take me home?"

Deeks immediately turns back to her. "What? No. Well, if that's what you want, then yeh, uh I'll take you home." She just stares at him. "But I uh, was just going to ah, get a pillow and blanket." _Uh oh. Scared. I have a feeling I'm going to be seeing that face A LOT in my future. At least I hope so. Wait. No. I don't want her to be scared. But if I'm seeing it, it means at least she's still around. Oh man. This is going to be a lot tougher than I thought._ He scratches his head and takes a breath. _But it's definitely worth it._ "I, I uh thought maybe we could just put on some really bad late night TV to mock or, I don't know, just maybe snuggle on the couch?"

Kensi gives him one of her famous disagreeing looks. "Deeks, I don't snuggle." To emphasize her point she says it with a superior tone and he notices she nearly lifts her head in a smug motion. _Well, then. She told me._ "Ok, bad late night TV it is."

He quickly returns with his supplies, relieved yet again that she hasn't bolted. He places the pillow at one end and the blanket on the back of the couch. Kensi looks around not knowing what to do next.

Deeks walks into her personal space and again takes her hand. "Kens. It's ok. It's just TV. We've done this before."

She fails to play it cool, to cover her growing panic. "We haven't done this before."

Deeks offers her a comforting smile and quietly says. "No. We haven't. But I for one am glad we are now." He makes his point by placing a feather-light kiss on her forehead.

They sit on the couch. Closer than before. Deeks places their entwined hand on her left knee as he reaches back to turn off the light. And in the most normal way Kensi takes possession of the remote to find something they will both comment on, but that neither will be focused on. No. Both of them are already focused on Deeks massaging small slow circles on her left knee.

_This may not be what I've ever imagined, but in some strange way, it's better. _Deeks is lost in his thoughts when suddenly, he's taken by surprise. Kensi is simultaneously playing with his curls (again) and whispering "Thank you" in his ear. Trying to keep control, all Deeks can think now is: _This woman is going to be the death of me. But I'm pretty sure I knew that before tonight. And I'm perfectly happy with that._ Her words finally register.

"For what?" he inquires.

"For being you. For caring about me. For making this ok.", she confesses. But her words are merely ghosts to Deeks ears. Because Kensi is now nipping on his neck just below his ear and casually twisting the curls at the base of his neck around her fingers. _Oh man. This is… Ugh. Oh boy, can you say mixed signals?!_

Struggling to form words, "Uh Kens. Uh, whatcha doin'?"

Ever so comfortably and with clear flirtation in her voice nearly purrs in his right ear, as she twirls his curls with the fingers of her right hand and gently strokes his beard with her right thumb. "What? We can at least make-out a little. Can't we?"

"Yes. Oh yes. Absolutely yes. Whatever you want Princess." Deeks moves to lay down on the couch and pulls Kensi on top of him. _This is so much better than when I was a teenager!_ While "controlling Kensi" can be a challenge in the field, he's perfectly happy to allow her to take the lead here. And it seems he now understands the "Special" part in "Special Agent". If he knew he'd been missing this all these years, he'd surely would have had to quit or, or something! As much as he wants more, much more, in fact he is probably going to just want more of her for the rest of his life, limiting their activity to some innocent make-out session (o_k, maybe not so innocent_), really is the smartest plan.

And having to help hold her hair back, was probably a saving grace. He gets to enjoy running his fingers through her luscious locks, which means it's keeping him out of trouble elsewhere! Seemingly annoyed with it, Kensi grabs a hairband that she always keeps around her wrist to pull it back. Deeks places a halting hand on her wrist, "No. I like it down." She immediately complies.

He'd seen Kensi in a bikini on a couple of occasions. No one could argue the point that she is just flat-out, smokin' hot. So as much as he wants to explore every inch of her right now, he's not going to endanger the gigantic leap they took tonight. College, law school, the Academy, some NCIS training, all of it had made him an incredible student. It was clear if he could keep Kensi secure and happy, she was certainly going to reward him. In fact, he might have to reassign his moniker of "Jungle Cat" to her. All of that is perfectly fine, but for now, he's going to enjoy it for as long as she wants.

* * *

**Kensi POV**

_Now I just hope I'm not scaring Deeks! _She chuckles to herself in her head. It might take her a good long while to decide what she wants, but when she finally decides, watch out. She's always been an "all or nothing" type of girl. Up until now Deeks had pretty much seen only "all" of her in a professional role and mostly "none" of her on the personal side. But she has finally admitted she wanted him. She'll never admit it to him, at least not anytime soon, but it's going to be tough for her to take whatever this is with him at a cautious pace. (Until those nagging fears make their expected and repeated appearances. Sigh.) Besides, if she tells him what she really thinks of him, it's just going to result in more self-aggrandizing about how awesome he is. She gets enough of that at work. Ok, he is awesome, but she's going to have to be strategic about when and how she lets those feelings be known. It's not that she's overtly trying to control or manipulate him, it's just part of her fear. If she tells him too much too soon, he might get bored or maybe think he deserves better and le…? _No. I'm not going there. Just enjoy this moment. _

_How could I have been so totally wrong about this mop of shaggy hair?! How I'm going to be able to keep my "paws" off of it at work, I have no idea. Perhaps I'll have to handcuff my… Whoa. Handcuffs. Deeks. Stop. Get control over yourself! _But she couldn't break those thoughts so easily. She'd seen Deeks a couple of times shirtless and it truly was something to marvel. _I hardly ever see him working out; how does he keep so fit? _

She couldn't explain it, but there was just something about those v-neck t-shirts he wears to work all the time that drives her mind to less-than-professional thoughts. _They just fit perfectly, show off those biceps & triceps (that he's always flexing!), and that v-neck…. There's something unexplainable about that incredibly smooth, tan skin at the base of his neck._ She immediately turns her attention to that location. _And here I am. With him. Finally. _She can't deny it any longer, at least not to herself: _This really is where I want to be. _

While she can't express herself verbally, she's more than compensating with her actions. And Deeks is reciprocating with every move. They're exploring, hands roaming freely, yet almost innocently. Something else she should have expected: Deeks chattering throughout, verbalizing his satisfaction - that is when his mouth wasn't otherwise engaged. She's playing, testing to see how she can halt his mumbling, encouraging him to make better use of that lovely mouth. She'll grant him this, _he is a quick learner!_

* * *

**Deeks POV**

_Heaven. This must be what heaven is like. How did I get this lucky? _

It's taking an immense amount of willpower, but he's maintaining their limits. Kensi, Kensi on the other hand is certainly testing those boundaries! Normally he'd deny her nothing, but he's not going to risk everything for a single night of pleasure that would inevitably end in regret.

Too soon they are both struggling for breath, hands longing to explore further, bodies humming for more. It's when Kensi gives him a wicked grin, bites her bottom lip, and begins to release the top button of his shirt that Deeks knows he has to bring their festivities to an end.

With a ragged breath and hoarse voice, "Kens. Kensi."

She acts as if she doesn't hear. Deeks closes his eyes, takes a steadying breath. He refocuses on his dream hovering above him. He stills her hands to get her attention and whispers, "Princess".

She gives him a worried look, afraid she's done something wrong. He offers her a caring grin and then turns so he's lying with his back against the back of the couch; he slides Kensi in front of him. He takes her right hand in his and returns to caressing slow circles on her hip.

He leans his head on top of hers and continues in a quiet, yet teasing voice, "Uh, Princess. Didn't we have a deal about tonight or did I miss a memo along the way?"

She can't help but giggle. _Wait, what? Did Bad Ass Blye just… giggle? Ha!_

She stills. "Yes. We did. I'm sorry if I…"

He cuts her off. "No. Don't be sorry. Especially for that. Because that was all kinds of…" He clears his throat. "So anyway, I'm in no rush. Seriously. I just want us to take this a step at a time. Slowly. You can trust me to keep us in line, and I need to trust you will be able to eventually talk to me about your thoughts and feelings. I want to go down this road with you; I want us to go down this road together. What do you think you about that?"

She grips his hand to reassure both of them. "Yeh. That doesn't sound too scary."

He tightens his hold to convey his commitment to her and their plan, to reinforce they are in this together. "So, about that reality TV…."

Kensi takes the hint, and grabs the remote to scan the channels again.

As she does this, Deeks adds, "And for the record, anytime you want to do that again is fine with me. No need to ask. I mean I know you're obsessed with my gorgeous locks, so if you get the urge…." Kensi playfully smacks his hand to shut him up. Luckily she's turned away he doesn't see the smirk on her face or detect that she's thinking, _Yeh, that's the problem!_

Kensi begins to move and Deeks fears his mouth has gotten him in trouble again.

"Wait. Wha… where are you going?" Kensi simply turns over and gives him a quick, yet somehow lingering kiss and lays her head on his arm.

"Nowhere. Just snuggling." She says with a smile in her voice.

Deeks automatically starts to mock her, "the girl who doesn't snuggle", but thinks better of it. He releases a brief chuckle and snuggles in himself.

Within moments he feels Kensi relax and her breath slows in even measures. Deeks looks to the clock and smiles as he pulls the blanket over them. The night, what's left of it, will be a sleepless one. Thinking back over the last few hours, the night didn't turn out as he'd expected (not that he ever knew what to expect from Kensi), but it reminded him things could sometimes end up even better. It's a true miracle his partner, now his Kensi, (he shakes his head in disbelief) is cuddled warmly in his arms. No, tonight he'll use his time wisely in memorizing her every curve, every lash that graces her beautiful face, caressing the silkiest hair he's ever felt. He's making a memory. Because in their line of work, you never know what tomorrow might bring.


End file.
